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Posts Tagged ‘Feng Shui’

Fend Your Back from Non-Sense: Get Value!

Posted by Ştefan Alexandrescu on October 19, 2012

Feng Shui is one of those superstitious ancient pagan beliefs, which came from China, and is actually now banned from Chine, due to its associations to “feudal practices” which trick people using all sorts of rules to “attract” “good luck” (a.k.a. “good chi” for Feng Shui practitioners). Take a look on this entry [en, wiki] of Wikipedia or check pp. 110-112 of  Skeptic Encyclopedia of Pseudoscience [en, scribd] to find out more about this non-sense.

I have decided upon this subject coming across what I considered to be a very funny little article in Romanian [ro, php]. What follows is, in great part, a spoof [en, wiki] of that article.

Feng Shui is a very Eastern  martial arts New Age technique which helps you get lucky escaping from any enemies you may have (lone sharks, tax investigators, debt collectors, banks, mother-in-laws, aliens and every other phantasmagory you might believe in) . Using the energy of good chi f**k it, call it “good luck”, you can improve your professional activity and your performances (including sexually, of course: add whatever you want to obtain and it will be done; you only have to believe). Looking over the internet, I have found a set of great principles I want to share with you, in case you want to make sure that you fend your back when the bad guys are coming.

For example, if you keep a carnivorous charming plant in your office, it will increase your thirst for blood flower power in business and your faith in the belief: “I can do anything”. If you haven’t payed your electricity bills on time and your computer is running on a generator peddled by a dozen of hamsters, a desk lamp on accumulator is a great choice for you to see things better after the dark has settled in at your office. If you can’t rearrange your desk in order to have a close look at the door, so that to see any potential enemy coming, or if you are cornered in your office, this will create an insecurity in your life. If you have  your back on the door, somebody could rapidly enter and stab you right in your back!  You can always intensify your self-confidence by placing a small mirror on the wall or over the computer, so that you may see who comes in. Also keep a small handgun lucky flower  in your drawer, to treat your enemies with!

1. Watch your back!

If somebody doesn’t like you, that person will most likely hunt you down like a dog in your dreams. That is a very big problem, especially if when you were young, you were afraid of the dark. Feng Shui advices you to watch your back! Make sure that behind your desk there is a secret door leading to safe corridor. It’s not indicated to have your back on the door or the window, as the swift might, as many Romanians superstitiously think, you will catch a cold, or even worse, all your teeth might rot in your mouth! The hot water is good to keep around, in order to throw it in the face of your enemy welcome your enemies with a hot tea. This activates the “ f**k you” “yes boss” energy [en, video] in your enemies. This way, you will know the energy of the force which enters in your office. Look, the power is in your hands!

2. Avoid facing the wall

A wall in front of your desk acts as a barrier in front of your escape. The only remedy in this case is to throw your desk against the enemy when he comes in move its position to welcome any un-welcomed guests.

3. Buy spherical golden decorations

Spherical golden decorations represent sky energy when they are heavy and you throw them fast at your opponent: whatever opponent walking in won’t know what lightened him!  They are necessary in each space and can’t harm you unless they fall on your feet. Place 6 of these decorations of different sizes in your office. They will help you spend a very happy lonely time at your work. Also buy a gun with silver bullets, just in case one of those nights…

4. Avoid sitting in front of anyone.

It’s always good to keep your back at someone else in the office, for them not remembering how much they hate you for earning more your energies not to confront. Don’t be afraid, my young  grasshopper padawan!  You have the mirror and the lucky golden balls  and the handgun, remember?

5. Choose a right chair.

Having the right chair is of a great signification for your future. Make sure its backrest is thick enough to stop any knife from harming you in case you doze off at your desk, otherwise your back might get hurt.

6. Don’t sit too close to the door!

Having to sit near the door, you will only feel more vulnerable. If un-chi unfortunately your office is  positioned so, try to face the door, in order to act fast, depending on who comes in. If you get the chance, move your desk against the enemy walking in.

7. Organize your desk!

Take 10 minutes each morning in order to arrange your weapons flowers under on the desk. If you can’t find your gun flower power when you need it, that will affect your efectiveness.

8. Don’t over-populate your desk!

When you order your desk, try not to get everything in the drawers. Just the guns. If in appearance everything is allright, in time, there will be a boogie man negative energy which will hold you still at gun point. Throw away the rusty knoves and keep your new ones sharp flowers that wilt.

9. Pay attention to the sharp edges!

Make sure that when you take the poisoned knives rulers from your desk, you grab them by the safe side. Otherwise, they might act as poisoned arrows which can send you negative energy and can affect your future and your health.

10. Light up your space.

A well designed office must have as much light as possible. Natural light is better, especially when you don’t know if you’ll pay your electricity bills. It’s also good to have as many windows as possibly, in order to ease your escape. Keep them large enough for the light, but inconvenient enough for the enemies which might come from outside. Only share the key from the fire escape with your loves ones those who don’t want you dead.If your enemies come through the window, this might affect your concentration power and bring your Yang bad luck.

You can choose bloody  red for your walls. The blood is easier to clean, this way. Avoid black. It might suggest you are the bad guy.

Follow all these indications if you are, by any chance, followed by bad luck, lone sharks, spies, hired killers, ex-blog readers who now hate you, unsatisfied copywriting customers, former romantic partners ands/or ninjas.

For the rest of you all hard working, decent, nice people trying to make a living, forget about the time-wasting non-sense and get your self some practical and professional office furniture. What you will find here and here will most certainly match your criteria, whatever those might be! GET AN EXPERT TO HELP YOU FOR FREE in customizing any office furniture for your real needs! It’s the best you will find in Romania!

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